Hipsters Have Officially Ruined My Wardrobe

As if it weren't bad enough having to wade through a disgusting sea of choppy haired, enormous sunglasses sporting, skinny jean posing, frumpy sweater-your-grandma-knitted-you-or-was-previously-owned-by-your-grandma, infantile ballerina flats wearing hipsters, the hipster pandemic hit far too close to home.

I recently procured some couture from Busted Tees (and later Threadless—they both had sales, I couldn't resist ... and no I was unable to purchase the t-shirt with the pictured design, much to my disappointment), which were printed on American Apparel shirts (a brand I have generally been pleased with since they monopolized the band t-shirt market). Much to my dismay, when said t-shirts arrived they were a good 3 or 4 inches longer than my older, pre-hipster apocalypse ones (I'd never patronized Threadless before, but I assume the same is true of their t-shirts). And it's not like there was even a "Normal, Non-Hipster Length" option. I have a short abdomen, okay? These long shirts look silly on me and are down right uncomfortable. Plus, whatever happened to choice? I thought that was something our pseudo-capitalist society valued, right up there with freedom, the pursuit of property and wealth and apple pie. Why should I have to suffer just because everyone else has adopted a style whose sole project is to make one look like you're been thoroughly roughed up by an ugly stick? Not to mention, the assumption on the part of t-shirt manufacturers that we are all a bunch of hipster drones and the resulting curtailing of our purchasing choices is down right un-American—we should at least be given the option to not look like everyone else.

Don't misread me, here. I'm not against change or difference—I don't expect the whole world to be the same, I enjoy variety, it's good for people watching. I'm not a proselytizer, wear whatever the fuck you please, it's your personal style or some shit. But when the crappy "fashion sense" of everyone else makes its way into my closet when all I want to do is purchase some awesome, laughter-inducing t-shirts, enough is enough. WHEN WILL THE CARNAGE END?!

That said, I look forward to the days of proportionally-sized t-shirts once all this hipster ridiculousness has gone to its grave and before it is resurrected to terrorize us again. And in the meantime, I suppose I'll just have to suck it up or learn how to sew.